I totally loved this take on dealing with negativeness...

Don't bury your burden in saintly silence.

Too good!!!

We learn - often the very, very hard way - to deal with negativity-negativeness. Besides the anger that surges up when people around you are constantly being negative - for and about everything and everyone, there is fear that the negativity will destroy you in some way...there is also resentment when someone else's negativity creeps into your space destroying the peace, or denting the calm, or shattering the feeling of well-being and contentment...we also sometimes are beset by feelings of low self-esteem, our sense of self-worth is trashed and we condemn ourselves for, in all probability, something that was an innocent gesture or word said or done on the spur of the moment - some spontaneous action or word...

We're told by wise people that we should look on negativeness as opportunities to learn and grow. I prefer the more direct lesson which tells us that when some kind of negativity hits us, in whichever way, we should dive in.....investigate it....and then, either forget about it, or if we can, then happily make the changes. But on no account--no account at all should bury it in saintly silence....

I particularly like Maya Angelou's take on negativeness.

'A negative statement is poison. And the negative has power. It lives. So, if you allow it to perch in your home, in your mind, in your life, it can take you over. Negative words climb into the woodwork, and into the furniture, and the next thing you know they'll be on your skin.'

Totally devastated...

at Maya Angelou's passing.

She taught me it was all right to make mistakes

She taught me to have a strong sense of self

She taught me about resilience

She gave me my life....

Rest in peace, Maya Angelou....

You will never be in the past tense for me.....and I will try to live, even as I am trying now, drawing strength and inspiration from you...

Lesson I learnt from Anne Lamott...

"When people try to tell you who you are, don’t believe them. You are the only custodian of your own integrity, and the assumptions made by those that misunderstand who you are and what you stand for reveal a great deal about them and absolutely nothing about you."
~ Anne Lamott

How many times we've heard ourselves trying, sometimes desperately, to correct someone else's opinion of us...how many times have we tried to tell them that what we said means this, and not what the other person has assumed; cried over misunderstandings that got created just because the other person refused to listen to what we were trying to say instead of just hearing our voice and the words; tried to tell the person who is busy trashing us that what we did/said was what we believed in; desperately tried to correct an impression that someone whom we would like to talk to, has formed of us from hearsay, or tried to tell someone who is talking to us in this superior, self-righteous, moralistic manner, that we were responding to the circumstances that we found ourselves in, never mind the reason (for i do believe that trying to make someone understand our reasons is like paddling in the same place)...

There are so many times when we have put all our effort and then some more, into trying to correct someone's opinion of us...so much time and energy (and sometimes even desperation) into trying to show others what we are....

The truth is - Noone, not any one, other than a loving child, can really understand who you are or what you are saying, or what you are doing...and if we think that someone is caring.....think again - for noone, other than your loving child, really cares, or has the time to care or has the wish to take the time to care. How much time we waste in trying to find ways and means of being accepted, how many times we drown out our inner voice, and our inner needs in trying to please others....and all the while in reality, noone cares....

We little realize that we who are trying so desperately to show who we are, if we are not careful, we will end up losing ourselves - our real selves - our real, beautiful selves.

The alternative is so simple and stares us in the face: bask in the love of your child or of those who genuinely care and love you as you are.

What we need to accept wholeheartedly and believe - 'the assumptions made by those that misunderstand who you are and what you stand for reveal a great deal about them and absolutely nothing about you.'

I got this wonderful piece of wisdom from Anne Lamott...

It's a perfect life versus a sweet messy beautiful screwed up human life.

 Perfectionism will keep you scared and restless, and if you don't wake up and fight back, it is sure to destroy you.

So,

Even if it is just for today...

Sing
Dance
Loiter around your garden
Pick up rocks
Let the mess in the corner remain for another day
Talk to your plants
Write what you feel, what you have in your heart - you don't have to get published
Make a mistake - no, make lots of mistakes
Do one wild, crazy thing like wearing shorts even if your legs aren't what they were when you were 16

And, most importantly, DO NOT BELIEVE IT WHEN PEOPLE TRY TO TELL YOU WHO YOU ARE. YOU ARE THE CUSTODIAN OF YOUR INTEGRITY


P.S. I know it's a tussle - a constant tussle - for those of us who are conditioned to believe all kinds of things which we know in our hearts is not what we want our lives, or indeed ourselves to be. So, the first thing is to want to win the tussle badly - want it so badly that your whole being cries out for it and your heart bleeds and your nerves scream and whatever else happens, happens - and you are willing to take all this on, because.....................you want to win that tussle...

Something wonderful I learnt...

In 'Curtain: Poirot's Last Case' Agatha Christie has a physically weak and worn Poirot. For those of us who adore the little Belgian, it is hard to see him as he is portrayed here. The 'little gray cells' though, are as sharp as ever - sharper, maybe, to counteract his physical condition.

Hastings is devastated when he learns that Poirot does not have many days left. But here he is, assisting Poirot on his last case...A dear and loyal friend, if ever there was one...and much loved by Poirot.

Poirot, incidentally, is not mooning around or feeling sorry for himself that he has only a few days left, and is living life exactly the way he has always lived it - no compromises on style at all...or anything, as a matter of fact...

One of the characters in the book, greatly impressed by Poirot, discusses with Hastings, the rich life Poirot has had - doing what he loved and what he was so good at. In Hasting's words: 'He seemed to think that a lifetime spent as Poirot's had been was in itself a rich reward and that in his memories my friend could find satisfaction and self-respect.'

I couldn't help thinking - how often we, who are of a certain age, especially, travel back in time sighing over happy memories and reliving them, and feeling most sorry for ourselves about the sad-bad memories and missing-regretting them. I've also heard these - there are so many memories crowding the mind; I live in a world of memories- what else is there; my memories are such a burden; and other statements in a like vein.

What a wonderful thing to think of memories like this.....how much more refreshing and how much more stimulating...to look back with satisfaction on what you have been able to do....even if it's maybe just maybe one thing (never mind that - in fact there are bound to be many things!),....and draw a sense of self-respect from that to live life to the full to the last breath...

There's always something to learn...

on the road to finding the meaning of life.

I want to share this, that I came across in my meditation this morning.

In his beautiful meditation on the art of living, Henry Miller asserts:

'We spend our lives fleeing from the present moment, constantly occupying ourselves with over-planning the future or recoiling with anxiety over its impermanence, thus invariably robbing ourselves of the vibrancy of aliveness.'

Concentrate on the words which sum up how we spend our lives:

Fleeing from the present moment - because it is unhappy/sad/distressing...

Constantly occupying ourselves with planning (even over-planning) for the future - in other words - hoping...

Recoiling with anxiety over the impermanence of the future - 'oh no, this happiness is not going to last' or 'oh no, this peace is transient'....

And so, we are terribly busy -  running, planning-hoping, anxious...

Søren Kierkegaard says that 'busy is a decision.' And we are making this decision constantly. We are deciding to be busy running, planning-hoping, anxious.

Result - unhappiness. A neither here nor there kind of unsettling feeling.

Now examine this. Honestly, face it. We see that the root cause for all this running and planning-hoping and anxiety is outside of ourselves. It is not something that we see right away - it takes a lot of digging, and honest assessment, and hard facing-up to, to see that all this that we are so busy about actually lies outside of us. Any wonder, then, that we make ourselves unhappy?

And Kierkegaard corroborates that. He says, 'the unhappy person is one who has his ideal, the content of his life, the fullness of his consciousness, the essence of his being, in some manner outside of himself.'

So, since decision making is one of the things we can do, we can actually decide not to be busy running, or remembering, or planning-hoping or being anxious.

Just do what presents itself in that moment. React only to the moment. Be present to ourselves.

And thus, not rob ourselves of the vibrancy of aliveness.

Wise Mind...

according to an article I read, is when we can meet each moment of life as it is, not as we would have it be, and respond to it skillfully.

Can - that is the difficult word - the difficult part.

Who wants unhappiness, and unpleasantness? who wants sorrow and grief? who wants loneliness and despair? For many, this is what each moment is.

Responding skilfully - I've found that very often silence is the best response - but with a very important rider - YOU COME FIRST. So, in the silence, first attend to yourself. It is better not to say things one would regret in retrospect, and more importantly, by keeping quiet the situation does not escalate into something we won't be able to handle at all.

The article has words of hope: People who practice mindfulness (meeting each moment) will tell you that they get better at enduring pain, better at solving problems, better at not creating misery for themselves, and better at participating fully in those moments of life that are joyful.

Worth a try....?

Problems that people have/face are the same the world over...

what is different is our reaction to them and our solutions of them. That depends on our culture, our personalities, our way of thinking, the stage of mental-emotional-psychological development we are at, the kind of support system we have, our religious leanings, our moral/ethical take on life's issues....

So, we really cannot solve another person's problems....and we must not try - we can suggest, maybe, but never thrust our solutions on them.....never force them, and worse, never abandon them just because they do not readily accept our solution, or do what we say...nor should we bully them into doing something totally alien to their nature, just because that solution worked for us, or we believe we have all the answers...

But we can do something - we can be with that person, loving him/her, and supporting him/her through the tortuous, painful process that the person goes through while resolving his/her problem. We can be there whenever that person calls, or we feel that tugging in our heart just to go and be with them. This is what we can do....and must.....if we are to help someone.....anyone....and more so those we profess to love and care for...

Stop trying...

Just think about it - pause a minute and let's look at our lives - from the time we wake up in the morning, it is one continuous cycle of trying - working on a million things, honoring have-to-do notes, striving to meet deadlines, balancing tasks that all need to be done almost at the same time.....and this goes on through the day....The strange thing is that these tasks don't seem to end...there's another one waiting at the end of this one, and on and on...

There's worse to come - we get into the moralizing trap.

And yet, at the end of the day if we sit and try to recall how busy we were, or recap the things we did, we won't be able to really substantiate the time spent.

Two ancient Chinese concepts may be able to help us resolve this paradox. These two, actually very powerful tools, are - wu-wei (pronounced oooo-way) and de (pronounced duh).

Wu-wei is a state of harmony - when the mind and the body are acting in total sync. The body, mind and emotions are are fully integrated. Therefore, people who are in wu-wei do a zillion things, but without feeling as if they are doing anything.

People who are in wu-wei, have de. They don't cause tension around them because they are relaxedly doing all that we have to do. Because of this, people around us trust us, and in turn are relaxed around us.

So, basically, we need to stop trying.................forget about trying, and just let what you love and believe in carry you along.

Shun-shun-shun with all your might any moralizing because that just leads to rigidity.....

What we want is harmony....